When a baby arrives with medical challenges, emotions are layered and complex. Alongside love and relief, there may be fear, grief, uncertainty, exhaustion, and even sadness. Families are adjusting in real time to new terminology, new routines, and sometimes an entirely new vision of parenthood. The family is not only caring for a child, but they are also adjusting to the new realities of their changed world.
When trying to support the family, remember that even well-intended words can unintentionally minimize or oversimplify their circumstances. Words can place emotional weight on parents who are already carrying a great deal.
What families often need most is to:
- Be believed
- Feel heard
- Have their experiences validated
- Feel their baby is celebrated
- Receive practical help
In some situations, the most powerful support is simple presence. In other moments, a word may be helpful and what the family needs most.
What not to say, and what to say instead
Here is a thoughtful guide to what not to say, and why, when a baby experiences health concerns. We also offer ideas on what to say instead.
1. Don’t say, “Everything happens for a reason.”
This can feel dismissive of real pain. Parents may still be processing shock, loss of expectations, or medical uncertainty. Suggesting a cosmic purpose can unintentionally shut down their right to feel grief, anger or confusion.
Say instead: “I’m sorry this is so hard. I’m here for you.”
2. Don’t say, “At least…”
- “At least you caught it early.”
- “At least you have other children.”
- “At least medicine is so advanced now.”
“At least” statements try to reframe the situation positively, but they often minimize the family’s lived reality.
Say instead:
“This must feel overwhelming. How are you holding up today?”
“This is your child, and I want to honor and recognize that with you.”
3. Don’t say, “I could never handle that.”
This centers the speaker rather than the family. Parents often don’t feel strong; they may feel like they have no alternative.
Say instead: “You’re navigating so much. I admire how much love you’re showing your baby.”
4. Don’t say, “Maybe it’s just a phase” or “Babies are resilient.”
While resilience is real, early medical concerns deserve respect. Minimizing can feel invalidating, especially when families are advocating for diagnoses or treatment.
Say Instead:
“I trust you. If you’re concerned, it matters.”
“How can I support you in this time? What do you need that I can help with, today or this week?”
5. Don’t say “Have you tried…?” (unsolicited advice)
Parents are often working closely with specialists and making complex medical decisions. Unrequested suggestions, especially from non-medical sources, can feel overwhelming or judgmental.
Say Instead:
“If you ever want help researching or organizing information, I’m glad to support you.”
“You are navigating so much emotionally and practically with [baby’s] medical care. You are an incredible [mom/dad].”
6. Don’t say, “God only gives special children to special parents.”
Even when spiritually intended, this can imply the family was somehow chosen for hardship. It may also invalidate feelings of anger or sadness.
Say instead: “I don’t have perfect words, but I care deeply about you and your baby.”
7. Don’t make comments about appearance
If a baby has visible differences, avoid remarks framed as reassurance like:
- “You can barely tell.”
- “She doesn’t look sick.”
- “He looks normal to me.”
- “I didn’t even notice.”
These can unintentionally reinforce the idea that “normal” is the goal.
Instead say things like “She’s beautiful” and “Tell me about him.”
8. Don’t compare stories
“Well, my friend’s baby had something similar and now they’re totally fine.”
Every diagnosis, prognosis, and path is different. Comparisons can create unrealistic expectations or unintended pressure.
Say instead: “I know every situation is unique. I’m here to listen.”
“[Name]’s story is beautiful. Thank you for letting us be part of [his/her] story, even in the unknowns.”
Words matter. Silence can be compassionate.
And steady, nonjudgmental support is often the greatest gift you can offer.
- “I’m thinking of you.”
- “I care about you. I’m here.”
- “Can I bring dinner Tuesday?”
- “Would it help if I sat with you during the appointment?”
Contributed by Faith Dulany, Founder, Perinatal Behavioral Health Coach, and Birth & Bereavement Doula at CarryMe Health
Further Reading:
10 Ways To Help a Friend During A Difficult Pregnancy
