If you are at a loss for how to support a friend or family through pregnancy or infant loss, you are not alone!
Even as a mother of recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) and stillbirth, this is an incredibly difficult topic! I have said and done things that have fallen short of what a friend needed in the moment, or what I wished I had said or done…
Truth: we aren’t perfect, and our friends and family know that!
The good news? Showing you care goes beyond what most are brave enough to do or make time for, and that shines through any perfect delivery. So, THANK YOU for entering in to such a vulnerable place as we normalize speaking about and recognizing the loss of a child during pregnancy and shortly after delivery!
Understanding this kind of loss
When we speak of loss, we include pregnancy loss across all trimesters, and infant loss. We recognize loss after miscarriage, and termination for medical reasons. We recognize stillbirth. We recognize loss after birth, whether tied to incompatibility with life, expected or unexpected neonatal complications, or other causes.
Length of life and the way a child died does not qualify or disqualify grief, love and loss. Their loss is great, and this child is irreplaceable.
Grief has no timeline, and this will affect parents’ hearts forever. Yes, time heals in part. But parents of pregnancy or child loss will always wish for their baby to have been known more fully on this side of heaven. Small acts of remembrance, even years and decades down the road, are significant.
6 Ways to support a friend navigating loss
- Acknowledge heartbreak in unmet hopes and dreams for baby: “I know you held hopes and dreams for [NAME/Baby]. My heart breaks with yours in losing those hopes and dreams.”
- Call baby by name if they have shared it. If you feel comfortable, ask if they named their child. Write it down to remember it next time you see them.
- Ask what you don’t know: “How can I help?” “Would you like to tell me about [NAME/Baby]? “Can I bring a meal or run X errand for you this week?” “Could I drop off groceries on Friday?” “Can I drive [other kids] to their activities this week?
- Lend a practical hand: Meals, kids, work
- Sit with them (silence is OK!)
- Keep checking in: “Thinking of you over the holidays”. “Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you”. “Happy birthday to [NAME] today. We love you!”
6 “don’ts” might help, too. Don’t…
- Disappear
- Stay quiet
- Rush grief
- Compare
- Offer platitudes (“at least”, “it’ll be OK”)
- Speak more than listen
Gifts
Words and actions are most important, and we shared some helpful guides above.
If you are looking for a gift to give around a specific milestone or immediately after loss, consider the individual(s). Are they outwardly sharing their story or desiring to share? Are they keeping things close to their own home and family for now?
Consider a gift accordingly.
A few ideas:
- Handwritten card
- Journal
- Kids book
- Food or a meal
- Jewelry
- Stuffed animal
- Candle
- Photo frame
- Art
Presence over greatness
Circling back to where we began: THANK YOU for entering into the murky waters of grief with your loved one. Being there with them might feel uncertain, but know that you are a critical part of their healing and their story.
We aren’t perfect, and our friends and family know that!
Play the long game in showing up. Support often fades after the first few weeks. Your loved one’s complex joy and pain at their baby’s memory will remain.
And I am confident that you too will feel encouraged as you walk with your loved one. Because your presence will trump perfect words or actions, every time.
